I did something kinda crazy on Thursday night.
On Wednesday, I became extremely ill. Thursday I was somewhat better but still quite sick so I called into work and took the day off. (Side note...I hate taking entire days off, but I don't mind being late.) So of Thursday I was shut in my house ALL DAY! When I couldn't take it anymore I went to Vision (a church service).
I know up to now there hasn't been anything too crazy going on. I'm getting there.
After service, after not eating most of the day, I decided to go out to eat--and here's the crazy part--by myself. Normally, dining alone is not a big deal for me. Just slip the earbuds in and listen to a book, watch a movie, catch up on the Hulu.com queue. But on Thursday I failed to bring the thus described earbuds which left me with my thoughts.
Have you ever been inside my head? It's a crazy place up there. Believe me. I live it.
So here I am and a booth all by myself with my thoughts and I realize that my thoughts about myself do not line up with the way I present myself in public at all. And I also realized that I wasn't living a life full of integrity.
I know some of you might be worried about what my thoughts were about on Thursday night. I'm really not in the mood to devolve all of the intricacies of my mind. I assure you they weren't "bad" thoughts. The weren't "sin" thoughts, but they were thoughts that lead to emotions and behaviors that aren't me.
I remember so clearly a sermon that the former president of my college, Wayne Benson, shared. He said, "It matters what people think about you. It matters more what you think about yourself. It matters most what God thinks about you. When they are all the same, that's integrity."
So the crazy thing I did on Thursday (eating in a busy restaurant at night by myself without earbuds) lead me to this conclusion. I want the woman I am when I'm alone to be the same as the woman I am when I'm surrounded by people. That's consistency. That's integrity.
Right now, I'm not there. I forget that I am the righteousness of Christ through His blood. I forget that I am chosen--that I am part of the royal priesthood. I forget that God is in control. I forget that God is working all things together for my good. I forget that God will complete His good work in my life. I forget that He is for me, that He crafted me in all my weirdness together for His glory. I forget that He is always with me.
But...even though I forget...He is all those things for me...and for you.
May I just encourage you with this? Know who you are in Christ. Live who you are in your heart.